Monday, August 21, 2017

Kabhi kaha tha tumne..

Kabhi kaha tha tumne
Bas ankhon mein dekh kar maang lena
Aaj maangne aayi hun


Bahut din ho gaye ankhon ne khwab nahi dekhe
Ek raat hi sahi, do ghoont neend la do
Muskura kar milti hun duniya se jab
Harf khali se lagte hain khud ki aawaaz mein
Inmen thoda sa wazan mayassar kara do


Bewajah tumhari galiyon se aksar guzarti hun
Manzilein na sahi to kuch thokren la do
Zindagi tumhare bagair bhi ba-dastoor chal rahi hai
Ise jeene ki thodi si bas aarzoo la do


Wo kinaare wali dukaan par gayi thi main
Mere gulaab-jamunon ki mithaas la do
Riwayaton ko nibhane ka lahja abhi bhi aata hai magar
Raqs mein mere sifar zaahir hai,
phir wahi vasl la do, wahi noor muhayya kara do


Jidhar bhi nazar pade, lagta hai tumhari nazar se takra jaati hai
Is baar tumhaari ankhon mein dekhun to
Saari maangein sun lena
Nahi kuch aur de sakte ho, To kewal justajoo de do

Dur rahne ke liye bhi zinda rahna zaruuri hai!!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Dagger to my soul

When you laid hands on me
You didn't bruise my skin
Or break my bones
That night your hands
Put a dagger to my soul

The hands that used to rise
To bless me with happiness
Fell hard on my self
And shattered the world
I grew up believing in

Those bows struck on my being
to take away from me
the love that nurtured me
and faith that protected me
from "evil" in the outside world

What was I to do
when the evil came from within
from the safe haven
that I came to
when darkness dawned
from the souls
who were my Gods
and the temple
that I called home!!


Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Duvidha

Aaj ye duvidha hai mann mein..
Kya lad jaun ya kshama karun..
Jab apne hi hon kurukshetra mein,
Arjun soche main kya karun..

Jinse mera astitva bana,
Jinhe kaandhon par khilaya hai..
Jinke charnon ko sparsh kiya,
Jinhen jhuule mein jhulaya hai..

Aaj unse hi matbhed hue

Shabdon se baan nikalte hain
Jab seene ke bheetar chubhte hain
Aankhen jo band na hoti hain,
Jab ashkon mein armaan girte hain


Bachpan se maine seekha hai
Sach ko jeevan mein apnana

Jab saach ki rah mein apne hon
Unpar kaise main waar karun?
Ye dariya kaisa mushkil hai
Ruk jaun ya main paar karun?



Sunday, March 25, 2012

Hearts

Hearts are small little tender things,
Like those tiny duckling wings
To be kept in the soft of our palms,
Hugged around with both our arms
They were made in pairs by God himself
Then separated and wrapped in flesh
I felt some stabs bleeding afresh
right in the center of my soul
When tonight I tore up yours...

Thursday, June 30, 2011

thokar..

aaj toot gayi aur haar gayi,

asha thak kar hai choor hui,

sir bhari hai, aankhen pathrayi,

ashkon ki nirmal dhar hui,

dheere se kadam jo uthte hain,

mano pathar bhar bhari hon,

nazren boondon ko dhundh rahin,

meelon tak raagistaanon mein

khud par hi jhunjhla baithi hun,

main khud se hi naraz hui...

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Aloha..!!

As the blue of the sky shadowed over turquoise of the ocean,
the clouds grew whiter and denser;
They were more like icebergs,
condensed flakes of snow,
cotton balls stitched on to on a sheet of blue..

As we saw the outline of hills on the horizon,
the white and the orange merging into the redness of the settling sun,
it felt like something was settling within..

That this is the moment.. the moment to live..
and this is ours, one that no one can take away from us.
As if time and space stood still in eternity..

And thereafter,
it was azure for as far as eyes could see..

It was then I realized that we were about to land..
As the plane tilted towards the ground, it felt like I was sinking into the blue..

As we approached the land,
I could see small white dots which very soon grew to little squiggles
and then into the surfing white waves crashing into the green of the land

What looked so calm and halcyon from so far apart, wasn't so calm after all..

As those rising waves crashed onto the shore,
it was like all that was inside of me.. landed on to the rocks..
only to break off in pieces and come back to me..
So it could take new shapes. more massive than ever..

The time hadn't stopped after all
We were landing back into reality..

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Dancing with the limp

You will lose someone you can’t live without,
your heart will be badly broken,
the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.
But this is also the good news.
They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up.
And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never...
heals perfectly—that still hurts
when the weather gets cold,
but you learn to dance with the limp..

My soul

There is one friend in the life
of each of us who seems not
a separate person,
however dear and beloved,
but an expansion,
an interpretation,
of one's self,
the very meaning of one's soul.

Where did I lose mine?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The sun and the sand..

As I bathe my hair in the golden rays,
I dig my toes deep in the tiniest grains;
As I watch these monsters of blue
wash off my tan;
I ain't want no shade,
I ain't like no rain;
I belong to the land,
of the sun and the sand..

Friday, April 22, 2011

Hospital charts... humor for a change..

She has no rigors or chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals he is circus sized.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

More than one night..

Tonight as I lie in bed at night, I find myself asking again, “Where did I go wrong?”

I have asked myself this many a times before. But tonight, the question is a little different, ‘Did I go wrong before or am I wrong now?’

Was I wrong in believing in myself or am I wrong in choosing not to believe in you?

Did I not understand me or did I not understand you?

Was I wrong in not asking questions before or am I wrong in asking them now?

Did I even know how deep this was until today? Did I even know how much I was hurt until you tried to heal?

Was it wrong to be hurt or is it wrong to refuse to be healed? Do I even know that you are trying to heal?

Isn’t healing just letting it be?

It’s a part of me now. A part I don’t know I can ever part with..

I want to forgive and forget.

I wish I could.

It is ironical that you are offering me what I always ever asked for and I just can’t open my arms to accept it.

I feel so far away from every thing .

But I find comfort in being alone. Comfort in being me..

Because this is all I have.. I can’t let you in here..

No, not again.

This is my world. It is stupid and it is weird.

It is unreal and clumsy and a mess. But this is it. And it is mine..

And I won’t let you in here coz I can’t risk you turning it around.

I can’t risk you leaving me in one where I don’t know how to move..

I don’t know what more I can give you..

Coz I don’t know what I have left with me.. that I did not give you already..

As I ask myself again, “Where did I go wrong?”.

The only answer I find is, “This shall take more than one night.”

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Life..

Listen to life.

See it for the fathomless mystery that it is.

In the boredom and pain of it
no less than in the excitement and gladness:

touch, taste, smell your way to the holy
and hidden heart of it

because in the last analysis,

all moments are key moments,

and life itself is grace

Beauty around me..!

I was struck by the fact that I hadn't been awed in a while.

Did that mean
awesome things had disappeared from my life?

No.

What it did mean was
that I'd gotten too caught up in distractions
and mind mucking
to recognize
anything as awe-inspiring. . . .

I hadn't been paying attention to the beauty around me.

The Seven Selves



In the stillest hour of the night, as I lay half asleep, my seven
selves sat together and thus conversed in whisper:

First Self: Here, in this madman, I have dwelt all these years,
with naught to do but renew his pain by day and recreate his sorrow
by night. I can bear my fate no longer, and now I rebel.

Second Self: Yours is a better lot than mine, brother, for it is
given to me to be this madman's joyous self. I laugh his laughter
and sing his happy hours, and with thrice winged feet I dance
his brighter thoughts. It is I that would rebel against my weary
existence.

Third Self: And what of me, the love-ridden self, the flaming brand
of wild passion and fantastic desires? It is I the love-sick self
who would rebel against this madman.

Fourth Self: I, amongst you all, am the most miserable, for naught
was given me but odious hatred and destructive loathing. It is
I, the tempest-like self, the one born in the black caves of Hell,
who would protest against serving this madman.

Fifth Self: Nay, it is I, the thinking self, the fanciful self,
the self of hunger and thirst, the one doomed to wander without
rest in search of unknown things and things not yet created; it is
I, not you, who would rebel.

Sixth Self: And I, the working self, the pitiful labourer, who,
with patient hands, and longing eyes, fashion the days into images
and give the formless elements new and eternal forms--it is I, the
solitary one, who would rebel against this restless madman.

Seventh Self: How strange that you all would rebel against this
man, because each and every one of you has a preordained fate to
fulfill. Ah! could I but be like one of you, a self with a determined
lot! But I have none, I am the do-nothing self, the one who sits
in the dumb, empty nowhere and nowhen, while you are busy re-creating
life. Is it you or I, neighbours, who should rebel?

When the seventh self thus spake the other six selves looked with
pity upon him but said nothing more; and as the night grew deeper
one after the other went to sleep enfolded with a new and happy
submission.

But the seventh self remained watching and gazing at nothingness,
which is behind all things.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Letting Go..


To let go isn't to forget,
not to think about,
or ignore.
It doesn't leave feelings of
anger, jealousy, or regret.

Letting go isn't about
winning or losing.
It's not about pride and
it's not about how you
appear, and
it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.

Letting go isn't blocking memories
or thinking sad thoughts,
and it doesn't leave
emptiness, hurt, or sadness.
It's not about giving in or giving up.
Letting go isn't about loss and
it's not about defeat.

To let go
is to cherish the memories,
but to overcome and move on.
It is having an open mind and
confidence in the future.

Letting go is
learning and experiencing and growing.
To let go is to be thankful for the
experiences that made you laugh,
made you cry,
and made you grow.
It's about all that you have,
all that you had,
and all that you will soon gain.

Letting go is
having the courage to accept change,
and the strength to keep moving.
Letting go is growing up.
It is realizing that the heart
can sometimes be the most potent remedy.

To let go is to open a door,
and to clear a path
and set yourself free...

Kya tum ab bhi dekh rahe ho?

Jab main sone leti thi,
pas mere tum baithe the,
Kabhi balon ko suljhate the,
Kabhi haule se sehlate the,
Jo nazar utha kar dekhti main,
to palkein band kar dete the,

Tum tuk tuk dekh rahe the,
aur maine palken neechi kar lein,

Neend lagi bhi meri to,
Sapnon mein bhi tum hi tum the,
Har choti baat pe ladti main,
Aur tum mujhko samjhate the,
Har hathboli par meri tum,
Muska kar maan jate the.
Main jeet ke khush ho jati thi,
tum haar ke bhi khush hote the
Mujhe man hi man muskate dekh
palkon ko chooma karte the.

Adhi raina beet gayi
Aankhon mein to neend nhi
Ab tum mere paas nahi ho
Kya tum ab bhi dekh rahe ho?

Jab mein sone leti thi....

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Some priceless gifts...

I feel m happy from within,
by the birth of someone
who makes me complete.
I hope today all ur dreams come true,
just like it fulfilled for me,
the dreams which are filled with u.
I wish I could be there with u,
but believe me, I m not here too,
as my heart and soul, just miss u
n wish a happy birthday to u!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Your birthday was approaching
I was sitting here contemplating
Of a gift I should be buying
Something that would leave you feeling
That you are special without saying
Many ideas I was considering
But nothing came close than giving
A promise of my love to you with no ending
And this promise I shall be renewing
With each birthday you'll be celebrating!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have your earring
You have my heart
I'll give yours back to you in a day
you'll give mine back in a month
I can't bear the thought of losing
your gentle presence forever
and so I hope
though the time will come
that we part we shall stay close
if not together.

Tonight I was enthralled by the image of you dressed the way you were.
Tonight I was proud to walk the streets holding your hand.
Tonight I was eager to explore you, watch your face as I took hold of you.
Tonight we lay together, and we talked, and maybe I was stroking your hair or you maybe were stroking mine. I remember thinking how happy I was right then at that moment.

I hope you will always write, after this short time is up, so I can always feel again the same way I feel when I talk to you here, in the autumn we first met. Please promise me you will write.

I have your earring.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The journey from Champaign to NYC

This has been a while back.. I found these notes when browsing through a diary of mine..
So thought I'd put them up here..

Well, I am travelling.. Yes, again!!!

This is fun. My, am I loving it..!! I always love the time I spend on trips, especially when I'm travelling alone. It gives me time out, to be with myself, only myself, which I rarely get when I'm around people. Not that I don't like being around people. But well, I'd say both have their own place in life.

Sometimes, we just forget ourselves in the middle of all the work and all the people around us. This gives me a chance to reconnect with myself.

Hmmm.. Ya. The decision of taking the bus to get to NY ( Its a 23 hour drive) over the flight wasn't a bad idea at all. I'm traveling through a good part of the country (even though I would have preferred to see it without the glass window in between), which is way better than flying amongst clouds ( which I love too.. but then, they are just the same everywhere, lol!!)

I am dead tired after a whole day in Champaign with all my luggage, figuring out how to get from here to there..
But when I'm on the bus, I'm not sleepy. My eyes are staring out the window and I just can't bring myself to close them ( There is also a small night light, right on top of my head, that doesn't go off :( ).
Its 2 in the night. There is practically nothing visible out the window but I still continue to stare.
Its the vastness of the dark enveloping the silhouette of trees.. I see them stretched endlessly along the road side.
I wonder what trees are they? What kind..? Something exotic..? Would I be familiar with the names..?

As the music from the ear phones rings into my ears, the physical sensation of them disappears and I feel the music as if in the air..

Wohh.. Its a starry night..!! I can spot The Great Bear even from the bus.
Other than a cluster of lights visible occasionally along the way, and of course, those neon advertisement signs, its the star studded envelope of black all around.

I don't know why, but I have so always loved watching the roads rush back as we move forward on the road ( Yes, the relative velocity fundaa..). I'm not quite sure if its the idea of moving ahead or of leaving the landmarks along the road of life behind us, that fascinates me more. But I have realized that I can stare at those linear stretches of gray concrete speeding behind, for hour together without wanting to blink my eyes.

Those trees by the road, they are so many, but all on their own, standing there through day and night witnessing the movement, the continuous, so called forward movement of the world.
But, isn't there an almost equal amount of traffic on both sides of the divider?
So, which one is moving forward and which one would be said to be going back..?

Just wondering..

Guess they are all moving forward..on their own path.. to their own destinations..
And does it even really matter? Which way are we moving.. as long as we are moving..

Movement, I would say, is the essence of life.. The yellow line along the road, is probably the only one that moves along with us, right till the end; even as we leave everything behind us moving 'forward' on the road .. the road of life..

What is this yellow line?

This is nothing but the road itself.. The road we take is the only one that accompanies us during the journey.
Not the landmarks we use to help us know we are on the right track, not the stops we use to rest to replenish the energy and strength for the rest of the trip, neither the hurdles we come across along the way, which are only meant to be crossed and left behind.
Nor the fellow passengers who keep coming and going as we halt at different stops. There might be many with us for some parts of the journey, there might not be any for others..
What matters is that we move on..!!

Its our journey and we must make it.. No one else can do it for us, no one else can do it with us..

And really, I don't think it would be that much fun if it wasn't just ours..
Thats what makes it so special. While its good to have company during parts of it, there are other parts which we must go through, just on our own..

The romance of it, the adventure is only because its me taking it, looking at the world with my own eyes,breathing it all in, feeling it sink into myself, and become a part of me.

You got to dive in the water to know how much fun swimming is; you got to feel the adrenalin rush through your nerves when the tide is high against you; when your muscles are cramping, when you are out of breath or when you are in water fathom deep.

And once you do it, it gives you the confidence. The confidence of getting into the waters, getting soaked and wet, facing the tide and riding it high.. and its then that you start enjoying it.. when you win over the fear.. and aren't afraid to go out there and get your feet wet..

Despite many adversities that I came across on this trip, things have worked out for me, so far..!! ( In hindsight, this is a gross understatement. Little did I know when I wrote this, how much more was in store)

People have been nice, very nice to me. I don't know what I would have done without all the people who have been helping me out with every single thing, from finding the shopping store to making coffee. And the interesting part is, these are all, so called, strangers. People whom I have never met before, who don't even know my name sometimes ( and vice versa), people I probably will never see again in life.

I have really no way of expressing my gratitude to them, neither were they looking for it. We have crossed paths in our journey around this world, and they have quietly made their contribution and moved on, not an insignificant one though..

I really wish to God I'm able to carry on the legacy, in whatever small ways possible...

Friday, May 14, 2010

Locked words...

I try to talk to you,
but I don't know what to say.
I am afraid you don't want me to say anything.
So I don't.
But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.
And tell you how I feel-like, how I miss you.
And how I love you despite my broken heart.

And how I need you in my life.
And especially how much I want you.

But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside.
Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too...
but I'll never know.........

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Love...and beyond..

When all is said and done,
you are part of me.
That's the way it was meant to be.

I believe the reason that you and me were brought together was
because we complete one another.

We fill in each other's missing spots.
And that we always shall.

And if someday we part,
I trust that there is a reason.

Cause if there is reason for love,
there is reason for life beyond it.