More than one night..

Tonight as I lie in bed at night, I find myself asking again, “Where did I go wrong?”

I have asked myself this many a times before. But tonight, the question is a little different, ‘Did I go wrong before or am I wrong now?’

Was I wrong in believing in myself or am I wrong in choosing not to believe in you?

Did I not understand me or did I not understand you?

Was I wrong in not asking questions before or am I wrong in asking them now?

Did I even know how deep this was until today? Did I even know how much I was hurt until you tried to heal?

Was it wrong to be hurt or is it wrong to refuse to be healed? Do I even know that you are trying to heal?

Isn’t healing just letting it be?

It’s a part of me now. A part I don’t know I can ever part with..

I want to forgive and forget.

I wish I could.

It is ironical that you are offering me what I always ever asked for and I just can’t open my arms to accept it.

I feel so far away from every thing .

But I find comfort in being alone. Comfort in being me..

Because this is all I have.. I can’t let you in here..

No, not again.

This is my world. It is stupid and it is weird.

It is unreal and clumsy and a mess. But this is it. And it is mine..

And I won’t let you in here coz I can’t risk you turning it around.

I can’t risk you leaving me in one where I don’t know how to move..

I don’t know what more I can give you..

Coz I don’t know what I have left with me.. that I did not give you already..

As I ask myself again, “Where did I go wrong?”.

The only answer I find is, “This shall take more than one night.”