Tonight as I lie in bed at night, I find myself asking again, “Where did I go wrong?”
I have asked myself this many a times before. But tonight, the question is a little different, ‘Did I go wrong before or am I wrong now?’
Was I wrong in believing in myself or am I wrong in choosing not to believe in you?
Did I not understand me or did I not understand you?
Was I wrong in not asking questions before or am I wrong in asking them now?
Did I even know how deep this was until today? Did I even know how much I was hurt until you tried to heal?
Was it wrong to be hurt or is it wrong to refuse to be healed? Do I even know that you are trying to heal?
Isn’t healing just letting it be?
It’s a part of me now. A part I don’t know I can ever part with..
I want to forgive and forget.
I wish I could.
It is ironical that you are offering me what I always ever asked for and I just can’t open my arms to accept it.
I feel so far away from every thing .
But I find comfort in being alone. Comfort in being me..
Because this is all I have.. I can’t let you in here..
No, not again.
This is my world. It is stupid and it is weird.
It is unreal and clumsy and a mess. But this is it. And it is mine..
And I won’t let you in here coz I can’t risk you turning it around.
I can’t risk you leaving me in one where I don’t know how to move..
I don’t know what more I can give you..
Coz I don’t know what I have left with me.. that I did not give you already..
As I ask myself again, “Where did I go wrong?”.
The only answer I find is, “This shall take more than one night.”