Thursday, June 30, 2011
asha thak kar hai choor hui,
sir bhari hai, aankhen pathrayi,
ashkon ki nirmal dhar hui,
dheere se kadam jo uthte hain,
mano pathar bhar bhari hon,
nazren boondon ko dhundh rahin,
meelon tak raagistaanon mein
khud par hi jhunjhla baithi hun,
main khud se hi naraz hui...
Sunday, June 12, 2011
the clouds grew whiter and denser;
They were more like icebergs,
condensed flakes of snow,
cotton balls stitched on to on a sheet of blue..
As we saw the outline of hills on the horizon,
the white and the orange merging into the redness of the settling sun,
it felt like something was settling within..
That this is the moment.. the moment to live..
and this is ours, one that no one can take away from us.
As if time and space stood still in eternity..
it was azure for as far as eyes could see..
It was then I realized that we were about to land..
As the plane tilted towards the ground, it felt like I was sinking into the blue..
As we approached the land,
I could see small white dots which very soon grew to little squiggles
and then into the surfing white waves crashing into the green of the land
What looked so calm and halcyon from so far apart, wasn't so calm after all..
As those rising waves crashed onto the shore,
it was like all that was inside of me.. landed on to the rocks..
only to break off in pieces and come back to me..
So it could take new shapes. more massive than ever..
The time hadn't stopped after all
We were landing back into reality..
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
your heart will be badly broken,
the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
She has no rigors or chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals he is circus sized.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tonight as I lie in bed at night, I find myself asking again, “Where did I go wrong?”
I have asked myself this many a times before. But tonight, the question is a little different, ‘Did I go wrong before or am I wrong now?’
Was I wrong in believing in myself or am I wrong in choosing not to believe in you?
Did I not understand me or did I not understand you?
Was I wrong in not asking questions before or am I wrong in asking them now?
Did I even know how deep this was until today? Did I even know how much I was hurt until you tried to heal?
Was it wrong to be hurt or is it wrong to refuse to be healed? Do I even know that you are trying to heal?
Isn’t healing just letting it be?
It’s a part of me now. A part I don’t know I can ever part with..
I want to forgive and forget.
I wish I could.
It is ironical that you are offering me what I always ever asked for and I just can’t open my arms to accept it.
I feel so far away from every thing .
But I find comfort in being alone. Comfort in being me..
Because this is all I have.. I can’t let you in here..
No, not again.
This is my world. It is stupid and it is weird.
It is unreal and clumsy and a mess. But this is it. And it is mine..
And I won’t let you in here coz I can’t risk you turning it around.
I can’t risk you leaving me in one where I don’t know how to move..
I don’t know what more I can give you..
Coz I don’t know what I have left with me.. that I did not give you already..
As I ask myself again, “Where did I go wrong?”.
The only answer I find is, “This shall take more than one night.”
Saturday, January 22, 2011
awesome things had disappeared from my life?
that I'd gotten too caught up in distractions
anything as awe-inspiring. . . .
In the stillest hour of the night, as I lay half asleep, my seven
selves sat together and thus conversed in whisper:
First Self: Here, in this madman, I have dwelt all these years,
with naught to do but renew his pain by day and recreate his sorrow
by night. I can bear my fate no longer, and now I rebel.
Second Self: Yours is a better lot than mine, brother, for it is
given to me to be this madman's joyous self. I laugh his laughter
and sing his happy hours, and with thrice winged feet I dance
his brighter thoughts. It is I that would rebel against my weary
Third Self: And what of me, the love-ridden self, the flaming brand
of wild passion and fantastic desires? It is I the love-sick self
who would rebel against this madman.
Fourth Self: I, amongst you all, am the most miserable, for naught
was given me but odious hatred and destructive loathing. It is
I, the tempest-like self, the one born in the black caves of Hell,
who would protest against serving this madman.
the self of hunger and thirst, the one doomed to wander without
rest in search of unknown things and things not yet created; it is
I, not you, who would rebel.
Sixth Self: And I, the working self, the pitiful labourer, who,
with patient hands, and longing eyes, fashion the days into images
and give the formless elements new and eternal forms--it is I, the
solitary one, who would rebel against this restless madman.
Seventh Self: How strange that you all would rebel against this
man, because each and every one of you has a preordained fate to
fulfill. Ah! could I but be like one of you, a self with a determined
lot! But I have none, I am the do-nothing self, the one who sits
in the dumb, empty nowhere and nowhen, while you are busy re-creating
life. Is it you or I, neighbours, who should rebel?
When the seventh self thus spake the other six selves looked with
pity upon him but said nothing more; and as the night grew deeper
one after the other went to sleep enfolded with a new and happy
But the seventh self remained watching and gazing at nothingness,
which is behind all things.